Finding Our Place
July 30, 2010
When we lose a loved one, we may also feel that we lose a part of ourself, our identity, our place in life. Many times our world is literally turned upside down, and we feel lost. What now? How do we find where we now “fit”?
It’s like being part of a jigsaw puzzle that has been overturned, leaving the pieces scattered. The place where our piece fit in so snugly before is now missing…the picture has been broken apart…the old “normal” is gone.
Finding that missing slot where we now fit may involve trial & error on our part. Our circle of friends may have changed; and almost always, our family dynamics have shifted. As someone so aptly said, “the only thing constant in life is change.”
So, this “new normal” that we must identify can be challenging. Many times it feels alien—we had a life—one we were comfortable in—one in which we had made our “place”—acted out our roles–knew what to expect—and most importantly, how to feel. But in this new normal, we may find that we don’t know anything—what to do, who we’re becoming nor how we feel.
Re-establishing our “place” is a process…one that may be different for each of us. Reaching out to friends and family, seeking counseling, asking for spiritual guidance, sharing our story are some ways to find support. But almost always it involves taking time to be quiet and looking within to find our answers to define our new normal, and our new life.
We have changed as we’ve traveled our grief journey; we have been transformed without our loved one in our life. But we can also draw comfort from the love we’ve shared and know that what we’ve learned on our journey shapes us each day as we make choices for our new reality. And, we can take comfort in knowing that a new puzzle waits for us to slip into our slot, and once again fit into a new puzzle picture…a new life…a new place.
Sharon Clark
7/30/10
The Power of Words…
June 28, 2010
Earlier today I was thinking about words and how they have the power to transport us through our daily lives. Sometimes when we are grieving, we put up a protective barrier to help shield us from feelings because they are too painful, and we block some of the comforting “words” that may come our way.
While trying to avoid pain is understandable, I have found that words can be transformative; and if we allow them in, they can offer a framework for us to really “feel” our emotions. And through these experiences, we can begin to heal.
Words can open a door to a comforting setting; provide a peaceful interlude from our grieving. They can allow us to paint pictures in our mind and create a safe place to be with our grief; and within this safe place, we find a knowing that we will ultimately be OK.
Words also hold the power to change our physiological responses—and, in the process we can transform sorrow into fond memories where we can focus on our shared love, and not just on our loss.
Words hold the key that can unlock a new reality, and create a space where healing can enter and thrive. May you receive and welcome comforting words today.
Sharon Clark
Experience the Grief Interlude Series Meditations
Health & Wellness for Those Grieving
April 29, 2010
Each day it seems that new results are being released about our nation’s health & wellness. The news, however, doesn’t seem to be positive; obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure occurring in all segments of our population at alarmingly high rates. The latest study reports that chronic conditions, as those noted above, affect almost HALF of our population…sobering statistics indeed!
Which leads me to discuss health & wellness conditions for another population segment: those who are grieving. Sometimes when we are lost in our grief, the last thing on our minds is taking care of ourselves, or being attentive to our well-being. The ongoing need for eating healthy meals and getting physical exercise may not always register in our blurred awareness or be a priority…our “normal” life has been altered, so why should we try to go on as usual?
We may not have an appetite; we may not feel like going to the gym or out for a walk; we may not be sleeping well. All these physical changes impact our mental & emotional bodies as well. Our relationships suffer…we’re not “ourselves” with family, friends & coworkers. An unfortunate and unhealthy cycle of stress and distress infiltrates our body and life.
So, how do we begin to recognize this, much less have the presence of mind and energy to address and remedy it? Maybe it starts by simply taking time to be aware of what’s happening, or not happening, in our daily routine and consciously making an effort to take a break from grieving…just for a few moments to experience some stillness. Perhaps in these moments of calm, we can find the clarity to understand and accept that we are still here…alive…in our life…and we need to take care of ourselves physically, mentally & emotionally..
If you aren’t the one grieving, reach out and be a supportive friend: take a walk together; deliver a healthy meal; extend your emotional support by offering a sympathetic ear. Many times that’s all that’s needed to break the unhealthy cycle of grieving…an empathetic gesture to show that someone cares.
Sharon Clark
Being Present in our Grief
April 18, 2010
Something I heard earlier this week prompted me to think about how often we tend not to be “present” in our lives….either living in the past or dreaming about the future. The same can be true when we grieve, for grief really involves looking back over what was & mourning that loss, but also yearning for the “unlived” portion of what would have been with our loved one had they not died.
The pain over losing what “might have been” is especially tender; as humans, we all have shared hopes and dreams: a retirement to enjoy together; a wedding not yet planned; a baby yet to be born. These future events, only imagined, are ingredients of the “grief stew” that blends what was with what wasn’t. This stew then simmers as we grieve, bubbling with images of lost hopes and dreams and loving memories.
Just as we can find ourselves not living in the present, we can also find ourselves not grieving in the present. For it hurts…to be right here, right now in this place of grief. Grieving is many things, but sometimes the most distinguishing feature is that it’s painful. And, as in other areas of our lives, we may try to dull the pain, get numb, and take the edge off. We avoid the present. But, until we stand “amidst the tears” and immerse ourselves with what is in this moment, we can’t move beyond.
Grieving is an active progression through grief—it is a journey of paths that wind around our feelings and emotions leading through both painful & joyous memories. Its path is uncharted and unique for each person. It’s shorter for some than others, but the “sameness” is the fact that we are all changed by having traveled it. For in making the journey we uncover more about ourselves, and more about living…right here, right now, in the present.
Sharon Clark
4/18/2010
An Epidemic of Loss
April 1, 2010
Is there an epidemic of “loss” in our society today—is it the “forgotten” illness afflicting millions? How many suffering from grief & loss actually receive any tools for treatment or find support to help?
Good questions…there seems to be so little discussed or written about loss in proportion to the suffering…few resources dedicated to it….why is that? Is it because death or loss is uncomfortable not only for those who are experiencing it, but also uncomfortable to those who aren’t? Is it because we just assume that someone who is feeling grief or loss will simply “get over it”…that it will just take care of itself….after all, “time heals all wounds” or so we’re left to be comforted with. Well, grief is not like the common cold wherein we just tough it out a few days and it disappears; grief is chronic, and time does not magically erase the pain.
Just as with any other human emotion, grief ripples out into our lives, into our society in concentric circles…the pain of loss, confusion of what to do, the anger with no outlet, the helplessness of our inability to have affected the outcome. All these negative emotions related to grief spill over into the daily lives of those grieving and touch their family, their friends, their coworkers, and their community.
Yet grief is probably one of the most misunderstood and least discussed topics in our society—we are a grief-illiterate nation. Not only does grief leave its indelible mark on those who are feeling their loss, but it also touches everyone around them. Which leads to the question: WHY as a society aren’t we doing more to offer resources and support to those grieving? As noted earlier, grief is “uncomfortable”, and we don’t want to think about it; but, we’re ALL going to experience it since we ALL lose loved ones….all of us will die, and all of us will grieve. It’s the common denominator of living…and loving.
So, instead of ignoring the inevitability of it, let’s ENCOURAGE meaningful dialogue; let’s PROVIDE resources; let’s OFFER tools to help people cope with their grief. And, yes, grieving is painful, but let’s not ignore it. Let’s find ways to get through our grief together in order to become “loss survivors”!
Sharon Clark
Promote Awareness…Advocacy…Aid.
Adrift in an Ocean of Grief
March 21, 2010
Sometimes there is such helplessness we feel when we are grieving. It’s like being adrift in the middle of an ocean in a life raft, but with no oars to propel us forward or navigation system to help us find our way. You’re in a place that’s unfamiliar, unwelcome, with no way to get out. All you know is that you don’t want to be there, feeling what you’re feeling.
You feel as though you are at the mercy of the water moving around you. At times, it may be a gentle rolling presence; at other times, the waves may toss you about…moving over you without warning and giving you no time to recover before another wave of grief hits again. The waves may leave you feeling defeated, exhausted and overwhelmed. And if there is one truth I have learned, it’s “the only way out, is through.”
The Grief Interlude SeriesTM set of guided meditations offers a therapeutic break—an interlude—a chance to step away from your grief, take a deep breath of relaxation, gain a different perspective and feel some restorative peace. I’ve found that from this calmer place I can better navigate grief’s tumultuous storms.
Remember that if we hadn’t felt love, we would not be feeling grief. Love and grief are on the same emotional continuum. If we can experience a way to move along the space that connects the two emotions and focus on the love we have known, we may find some peaceful lulls between grief’s waves. And, lovingly, find our way through…
Sharon Clark
March 21, 2010
Is Grief a Universal Language? 3/4/10
March 4, 2010
As I watched the faces of the most recent earthquake survivors in Chile and those in Haiti, I knew what they were feeling even if I couldn’t understand the words…it was grief.
Relief agencies are usually onsite within hours to provide assistance to meet the immediate needs, such as water, food and shelter. But we know that once those physical needs are met, there are other emotional needs to be addressed as well. And, it may be a long-term task. I’ve said before “Grief is the residue that remains in our heart after the tears have dried on our face”.
And, this residue can remain for years…often so deeply ingrained from inattention or pushing it down, that it can suddenly reappear without warning, reminding us that it has never been resolved.
Grief is an “equal opportunity” emotion—it knows no race, creed, or gender. It’s often accompanied by feelings of anguish, disbelief, anger and fear. That’s why it’s so important for having ways to express our grief; and promote a dialogue about what is often a “taboo” topic. Our country, as is the case with many other cultures, is a grief-illiterate nation. It’s painful to talk about grief…but then, grieving is a painful process, but a necessary one.
Given its universal nature, we need more discussions about grief, and more support available for those grieving.
Sharon Clark
www.griefinterlude.com
Reconnecting with Love
February 14, 2010
“Grief is the residue that remains in our heart after the tears have dried on our face.”
Did you know that grief is on the same emotional continuum as love? I’ve found that how we grieve is related to how we’ve loved, and once our loved one has died, we sometimes only feel the grief that remains. Grief is the emotion, and grieving is the response–just as love as an emotion prompts loving thought and action.
Today, on this annual commemoration of love that is Valentine’s Day, focus on the love you feel for your loved one. Move away from the grieving, and into loving thoughts and actions. Through this movement, you will find that you will be embraced by love and truly reconnect with your loved one. Envelope yourself with fond memories and honor your love.
Sharon Clark
2/14/10
YouTube video links
January 25, 2010
Use these links to view YouTube videos from Grief Interlude:
Sympathy Gift Suggestion: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHaGTXjHHtg
Guided meditations that can be used as a sympathy gift or grief support for those who are grieving.
Sympathy Gift Etiquette: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_2VhHfgvBM
Suggestions for how and when to send sympathy gifts that are meaningful to the family following the loss of a loved one.
Guided Meditation & Grief Support: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qMzMhqIC4g
Educates about guided meditation & how its imagery can assist those who are grieving the loss of a loved one.
Sharon Clark
Grief, A New Emotion
January 18, 2010
Grief is many times a new emotion for us. It’s one that we experience in connection with loss, and the deepest feelings are those associated with death. The final blow…the one thing we can’t control nor change.
Since it’s such an unfamiliar emotion, we rarely have any built-in coping skills in addressing or handling it. And, it seems that grief appears instantly, swiftly and is unrelenting–leaving us unable to breathe much less able to wrap our minds around how to cope with it.
The logical mind has few defenses against grief—it is so insidious and all-consuming that many times all we can do is make our best effort to hold on and ride its tumultuous waves. It’s a journey few are prepared for, and one that provides even fewer tools and aids for the travels.
Even those of us who have walked the path before feel ill-prepared; for although we’ve been through the journey, it’s an unfamiliar terrain each time. One that is unyielding and unwelcome while conjuring up the struggles with our previous losses and compounding the difficulty. We don’t overcome grief—at best we struggle through it; for really the only way out, is through.
Given that we rarely have the built-in coping skills to support our grieving process, we need to actively search out ways that will help us help ourselves. There is no “right” way to grieve, there is only our way.
Consider The Grief Interlude SeriesTM set of guided meditation CD’s that offers uplifting comforting messages and provides a brief respite from grieving.
Sharon Clark
