Category Archives: When You Are Grieving

The Secret of Life

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My cell phone’s ringtone is a song by James Taylor, “Secret O’ Life” and when it rang this morning it reminded me of the meaning of its lyrics.  They tell us that the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time…sounds simple doesn’t it?

For me, enjoying the passage of time means that we can learn to embrace life as we move through time.  When we are grieving, we tend to hold onto memories, emotions, and feelings from when our loved one was with us, for we feel that is all we have left of them. 

But, we really have more than that; we simply need to look in our heart to feel the love that lives outside time.  So, when we get bogged down in grief and hold onto what was, perhaps we can move to a place where we can touch the love that we feel right now and release some of our sadness.

The song’s lyrics also invite us to view life as a “lovely ride”, and as such we should enjoy the ride and anticipate what’s around the next bend, and occasionally remember with fondness and love what’s also behind us.  Most importantly though is to be present with where you are, and what you are feeling at THIS moment in time.  For NOW is all we have in the dimension of time.

We really are simply passengers on our “lifeboat” as we move through the waters of time, touching lives, feeling joy and sadness, sharing love and then allowing time’s passage to carry us in its arms to our next destination–while enjoying the passage of time.

Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

 

 

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Pressing “PAUSE”

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As I was shopping yesterday, the store was filled by the loud cries of an unhappy toddler; I couldn’t see why she was so distressed, but her sobs were filled with passion and unyielding. She was inconsolable it seemed.  Her cries were so constant that I wondered how she was actually managing to breathe through her sobs. After several minutes, her crying stopped, and as her mother pushed her to the aisle to check-out, I could see that she was clutching a new toy; the diversion needed to break her emotional pattern.

As I watched this unfold, it triggered the thought that many times this is exactly how we feel when we experience grief…inconsolable…caught up in the sheer wave of emotions, feeling our loss and locked into an emotional pattern that we ourselves can’t easily break.  Like the little child, we need a “diversion” to interrupt our outpouring.

When our world has been turned upside down and our emotional grounding moved off center, many times we don’t even know how to respond because we are “inexperienced” about the emotion of grief.  Our other emotions, e.g., love, joy, anger, are usually pretty well-developed through simply living our daily lives.  We exercise these emotional muscles on a regular basis through our relationship with others.  We’ve learned how to cope.

But this isn’t so true of the emotion of grief. Of course we have all felt some components of grief—sadness, loss, hurt—since we were babies, and have developed some coping mechanisms as a result.   But until you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, you probably haven’t felt the full emotional spectrum that is grief.  Nor do we have an innate coping tool as to know how to deal with the complex array of emotions we may feel. 

Sometimes when we’re caught up in this wave of emotions, seemingly inconsolable and not knowing how to cope, we can press the “PAUSE” button.

Using the guided meditations in The Grief Interlude Series can help you do that. It offers a way to step out of your grieving and step into a place of rest…just for a while.  It allows you the opportunity to “break the circuit”, to catch your breath, and to gain some time to restore.  To help you regain your footing, to find your center and to focus on the emotion that will help you make your way through the grief:  love.

Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

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Pulling the thread…

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Have you ever had a loose thread appear at the hem of your skirt, and once pulled, it unravels the whole hem?  That’s what can sometimes happen when an image triggers a memory and suddenly, you’re caught in a groundswell of emotion that you didn’t see coming.  It suddenly transports you back to a vivid remembrance where you & your loved one were vital, engaged, and feeling the essence of being alive & together.  Has this ever happened to you?

I know that the inclination is to feel overwhelmed with sadness, with the desire to have that feeling again in the now.  We may find ourselves wondering “How did it go away”?  “How did it change, and why?”

But, if we can manage to shift our perspectives; simply move our vantage point a bit, and embrace the loving feeling that we can still touch…to recapture the heart-swell of emotion and bring that into our existence now…it can be healing…it can be cleansing…and it can be comforting.

Being alone doesn’t have to mean that you are lonely…it simply offers you a place of solitude to touch the essence of loving memory.  And, from that place, reconnect to the primal force that is love:  simple…unadorned…eternal.

Sharon Clark

7/1/11

www.griefinterlude.com

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Above the Roar

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As I walked from the parking area to an office building earlier today, the tree-lined sidewalk was buzzing with cicadas.  Actually, the buzz was so loud a few people who were sitting at an outdoor table could barely speak above the roar. The cycle of life and rebirth being heard.

Somehow it reminded me that sometimes no matter how loudly we shout, we are still not heard.  And, our need to be heard can be overpowered by the desire for us to simply “be quiet”.  I think that the same can sometimes be said about grieving.  We may be trying so hard to be “heard” in the midst of our grief that we simply need to “be quiet” and listen.

Each of us has a spiritual ear—one attuned to knowing what we need for healing.  Too often, we overwhelm it with our noise and fail to “listen” to its loving guidance.  Sometimes our overt actions need to be stilled, and simply surrender to the passive act of listening and “being” where we are with our grief. 

Today’s entry from Mark Nepo’s “The Book of Awakening” seems to apply:

“Tragedy stays alive by feeling what’s been done to us, while peace comes alive by living with the result.”

May you find peace on your journey…

Sharon Clark

6/2/11

www.griefinterlude.com

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Out of the dark…Renewed

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As Mother Nature sheds her winter’s coat, she dons a spring wardrobe of cherry blossoms & green grass…renewed.  We, too, can emerge from a winter of grief, renewed and ready for new hope & beginnings that are offered by spring. 

I was reminded last week of these assurances as I walked in a local park enjoying the new leaves & tulips blooming vividly, feeling the warmth of the sun on my shoulders.  Just as the sun may disappear behind clouds, we are assured that it is still there, shining brightly, so too is our assurance that we can be renewed to shine again as well.  

We are changed of course, given the loss of our loved one, but we can find new beginnings through Mother Nature’s example.  Life is a series of cycles, some longer than others.  The life force that exists that urges the flower above the soil to bloom at the right time of year is the same presence that connects our feelings of love to our loved one.  Only the masks of fear, distrust, and hopelessness distort its eternal nature.   

So, I encourage you to take a walk & connect with spring’s beauty, and absorb the hopefulness around you.  You, too, can emerge from grief’s darkness and feel a sense of renewal.

Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

4/17/11

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Letting Go of the Rice

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I recently read an entry from Mark Nepo’s “The Book of Awakening” where he shared a story from ancient China of a method used to trap monkeys.  A hole the size of a monkey’s hand was cut into coconuts, filled with rice and strewn on paths the monkeys traveled.  As the monkeys smelled the rice, they put their hands through the hole, closed a fist around the anticipated meal but found that since their fist was too large to withdraw from the hole, they were trapped by their own making. Those who released the rice and withdrew their hands found freedom.

This story resonated because many times we find ourselves holding onto the “rice” of grief:  the familiarity of its embrace and even the comfort of returning to that space of yearning for what was, may be appealing.  But, just as the monkeys who refused to release their fists filled with rice, many of us grieving who refuse to let go of the grief are also trapped. We may fear that when we release some of it, we also are releasing the love we feel for our loved one. 

We may fear the future.  We may fear finding a way to move forward without our loved one.  And, we may even fear feeling joy again.  Sadly, we may confuse any joy we find with “disrespect” for what we shared with our departed loved one.  This may be an unconscious feeling that feeds our responses and limits our actions.  I would encourage you to see if you are “trapped” with your fist closed around your “rice” of grief.  Opening your fist may also open your heart to new joy.

Sharon Clark

3/09/11

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Resolute in New Beginnings

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Each New Year, we are encouraged to make resolutions in order to start fresh, when we actually have this same opportunity to embrace new beginnings each day. 

When we are grieving, we have choices—although sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.  Grief can hold us so close in its embrace that it’s difficult for us to resist, to turn away, to feel any hope or remember any love.  But, if we remain resolute…which means purposeful, determined, unwavering…in our belief in the love we shared and that we are ready to move from our place of sadness, we will invite the potential for an awareness; a stirring; a new beginning that emerges from the darkness.  A new beginning that may be as faint as the sliver of morning just before sunrise.   

While you never planned to be here. . . alone. . .you have a choice.  You can choose to reach out to a new beginning, or remain locked in grief’s embrace. Grounded in your feeling of having loved, you can find your center within that stillness of aloneness.   You will never be lonely within that center for you are always surrounded by the knowing that a new day, a new beginning awaits you. 

It’s your choice–reach out to a new beginning and the promise of a new you.

Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

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Grieving a Loss…Celebrating a Life

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Last Friday night, I sat with my grandson and family at a candlelight memorial service where he was remembering both his Grandfather and his Father.  It was a gathering of about 50-75 people that was hosted by a local children’s grief group.  My grandson has been participating in the group following the unexpected death of his father two years ago when he was 12.   The group facilitator invited each participant to come to the front of the room and share whatever they were comfortable saying about their loved one.  

It was both comforting & heart-wrenching as I listened to each family.  I was struck by the varied timeframes:  one daughter was remembering her Dad who had died ten years ago, and one wife with four small children was raw with grief only a week old.  As I listened to her sob his name, and saw the shock that held the children still as she spoke, I could only hope that somehow they would be able to survive this Holiday Season.

I’ve often said that “grief is not linear”, and the time & distance from the death doesn’t dictate the quality nor intensity of our grief.  I looked back at my blog post from last December, and had used the phrase “Grief doesn’t take a ‘holiday’ during the Holidays”; in fact, many times it becomes even more intense.  Recalling family holiday traditions, and reliving our past when our loved one was still with us, inevitably happens and may make us sad they aren’t here with us for this Holiday.  We replay family videos, whether literally or simply in our mind’s eye, reflecting upon happier times. 

It may be difficult, but creating a new holiday tradition, one that can honor and include your loved one’s memory, can be healing for the entire family.  Reliving fond memories, although bittersweet, can also evoke the feelings of joy & happy occasions you’ve shared.  Our loved one is gone, but the love we’ve shared is still alive, and we can choose to be grateful for having had them in our lives.  That focus on gratitude becomes the alchemy that may bring us some peace and allow us to celebrate their life, our shared history & love this Season.  Remember, “fond memories make warm companions.”

Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

 

 

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Compassionate Caregiving

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I was recently invited to share some of the details of my personal story as a caregiver in honor of National Family Caregivers Month.  We were asked to speak about what we’ve learned because of our caregiving experience; why we’re okay now, and to talk about the work we’ve done that may help today’s family caregivers. In sharing some of what I’ve learned from my caregiving experience with my husband, I thought I would borrow from a current TV celebrity that you may be able to relate to & tell you “what I know for sure about caregiving”:

  • I know that it’s an act of love.

Without love, there would be no “care” in caregiving.  This is the perfect time to let your loved one know how much richer your life has been because of them.  You are forever linked by your shared history & love, and we know that love never dies.

  • I know that the old normal is gone, replaced by a new normal.

What was the normal case may not be at this time, but the “new” that replaces it can also reflect love & care.  Sometimes crises help us to figure out what’s really important in life, so don’t overlook the lessons & experiences offered in your daily activities

  • I know that medical treatment can help manage the physical body & pain, but there are also emotional, mental & spiritual aspects to be considered as well.

In the flurry of activities surrounding treating the physical pain, don’t disregard the other equally important pain management for the whole being…both you & your loved one’s.  It may not be easy, but discuss what you’re feeling with each other, and honor the emotions expressed—you will both feel supported by sharing.

  • I know that lovingly remembering “what was” & finding joy in “what is” was my lifeline.

Take time to remember what your life has been together—for memories can light the flame of joy in the midst of today’s reality.  Create ways to find joy right now with your loved one…you will be able to cherish these gifts over & over again in the future.

  • I know that wrapping honor around your actions for your loved one brings comfort & consolation to you both.

In your busy actions as a caregiver, remember to let honor shape conversations as           you weave it & good memories into what may be difficult caregiving tasks.  Don’t let “busyness” overwhelm you and rob you of important opportunities to continue to demonstrate your love & care.  Be present in what is happening right now.

  • I know that the “care” in caregiving means compassionate care for both you & your loved one.

It’s important to keep perspective & balance during your caregiving phase. I found that our home became a beehive of activity:  friends & family visiting; hospice workers helping with my husband’s physical care.  Only through being attuned to my husband’s needs was I able to keep the connection strong during the hubbub.

And, as a caregiver, you also need to give to yourself, or you won’t have the energy or resources to continue to give to your loved one.  LET OTHERS HELP—graciously say “YES” to friends’ offers.  Allow yourself to receive others’ gifts of kindness with love while allowing yourself some time out to re-energize.  You may feel guilty if you’re not there 24 hrs a day, but without time away to restore yourself, you are doing a disservice to all.

  • I know that caregiving is often a “sacred passage”.

We never know what life will bring…and whatever the outcome, it will be a sacred & blessed journey because you traveled it together. My wish is that you stay strongly connected to your loved one, fully engaged in the experience & attuned to the source of your physical & spiritual strength.

  • And, lastly, I know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE

It may feel that way many times, but just as you have been providing compassionate care to your loved one, you can also receive compassionate care by reaching out to others & staying connected to your spiritual grounding.

You may tend to hide your emotions in order to continue to go on each day—I hid behind my “I’m fine” mask with family, friends & coworkers—but, I also know that giving yourself permission to feel your true emotions & being true to yourself during the journey is critically important, and ultimately these became the cornerstones for my own healing.

I know that finding my spiritual touchstone & helping my husband to remain connected to his offered the emotional grounding needed to maintain some sanity in the swirl of insanity around us.  And, I truly found that by accepting the love, concern and care offered by others, I became OKAY.

So, I would like to leave you with the thought that through love, support, & GIVING AND RECEIVING compassionate care, I’m OKAY, and YOU will be, too.    

Blessings to you,

Sharon Clark

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Shedding Our Leaves

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As I walked in my neighborhood this lovely, autumn afternoon, I was struck by the abundance of leaves covering the lawns, with millions more left to detach and fall at a later time.  It reminded me of the tears we shed when we grieve….so many have fallen, but it seems there’s always more waiting to spill forth as we are reminded of our loved one who isn’t there to enjoy the time with us.

I’ve used the quote “Grief is the residue that remains in our heart after the tears have dried on our face.” often—and it is true.  Sometimes our grief isn’t apparent to others, and sometimes it isn’t uppermost in our awareness; but as many know, it has the ability to surface without notice nor preparation for the intensity it can carry.

One thing I have learned over the course of grieving is that without allowing ourselves the time to mourn and experience grief, we limit our ability to also feel our emotions fully.  Through remembering our love, we can finally heal.  Just as trees shed their leaves in autumn, they also experience a period of dormancy during the winter.  If we compare this cycle to our grief journey, we also need a period of inactivity and introspection to prepare for a life without our loved one.  Only as we finally discover ourselves “amidst the tears”, can we also see hope for a new life…the spring of our grieving period.

 Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

 

 

 

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