Category Archives: Supporting a Grieving Loved One

Pressing “PAUSE”

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As I was shopping yesterday, the store was filled by the loud cries of an unhappy toddler; I couldn’t see why she was so distressed, but her sobs were filled with passion and unyielding. She was inconsolable it seemed.  Her cries were so constant that I wondered how she was actually managing to breathe through her sobs. After several minutes, her crying stopped, and as her mother pushed her to the aisle to check-out, I could see that she was clutching a new toy; the diversion needed to break her emotional pattern.

As I watched this unfold, it triggered the thought that many times this is exactly how we feel when we experience grief…inconsolable…caught up in the sheer wave of emotions, feeling our loss and locked into an emotional pattern that we ourselves can’t easily break.  Like the little child, we need a “diversion” to interrupt our outpouring.

When our world has been turned upside down and our emotional grounding moved off center, many times we don’t even know how to respond because we are “inexperienced” about the emotion of grief.  Our other emotions, e.g., love, joy, anger, are usually pretty well-developed through simply living our daily lives.  We exercise these emotional muscles on a regular basis through our relationship with others.  We’ve learned how to cope.

But this isn’t so true of the emotion of grief. Of course we have all felt some components of grief—sadness, loss, hurt—since we were babies, and have developed some coping mechanisms as a result.   But until you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, you probably haven’t felt the full emotional spectrum that is grief.  Nor do we have an innate coping tool as to know how to deal with the complex array of emotions we may feel. 

Sometimes when we’re caught up in this wave of emotions, seemingly inconsolable and not knowing how to cope, we can press the “PAUSE” button.

Using the guided meditations in The Grief Interlude Series can help you do that. It offers a way to step out of your grieving and step into a place of rest…just for a while.  It allows you the opportunity to “break the circuit”, to catch your breath, and to gain some time to restore.  To help you regain your footing, to find your center and to focus on the emotion that will help you make your way through the grief:  love.

Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

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Compassionate Caregiving

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I was recently invited to share some of the details of my personal story as a caregiver in honor of National Family Caregivers Month.  We were asked to speak about what we’ve learned because of our caregiving experience; why we’re okay now, and to talk about the work we’ve done that may help today’s family caregivers. In sharing some of what I’ve learned from my caregiving experience with my husband, I thought I would borrow from a current TV celebrity that you may be able to relate to & tell you “what I know for sure about caregiving”:

  • I know that it’s an act of love.

Without love, there would be no “care” in caregiving.  This is the perfect time to let your loved one know how much richer your life has been because of them.  You are forever linked by your shared history & love, and we know that love never dies.

  • I know that the old normal is gone, replaced by a new normal.

What was the normal case may not be at this time, but the “new” that replaces it can also reflect love & care.  Sometimes crises help us to figure out what’s really important in life, so don’t overlook the lessons & experiences offered in your daily activities

  • I know that medical treatment can help manage the physical body & pain, but there are also emotional, mental & spiritual aspects to be considered as well.

In the flurry of activities surrounding treating the physical pain, don’t disregard the other equally important pain management for the whole being…both you & your loved one’s.  It may not be easy, but discuss what you’re feeling with each other, and honor the emotions expressed—you will both feel supported by sharing.

  • I know that lovingly remembering “what was” & finding joy in “what is” was my lifeline.

Take time to remember what your life has been together—for memories can light the flame of joy in the midst of today’s reality.  Create ways to find joy right now with your loved one…you will be able to cherish these gifts over & over again in the future.

  • I know that wrapping honor around your actions for your loved one brings comfort & consolation to you both.

In your busy actions as a caregiver, remember to let honor shape conversations as           you weave it & good memories into what may be difficult caregiving tasks.  Don’t let “busyness” overwhelm you and rob you of important opportunities to continue to demonstrate your love & care.  Be present in what is happening right now.

  • I know that the “care” in caregiving means compassionate care for both you & your loved one.

It’s important to keep perspective & balance during your caregiving phase. I found that our home became a beehive of activity:  friends & family visiting; hospice workers helping with my husband’s physical care.  Only through being attuned to my husband’s needs was I able to keep the connection strong during the hubbub.

And, as a caregiver, you also need to give to yourself, or you won’t have the energy or resources to continue to give to your loved one.  LET OTHERS HELP—graciously say “YES” to friends’ offers.  Allow yourself to receive others’ gifts of kindness with love while allowing yourself some time out to re-energize.  You may feel guilty if you’re not there 24 hrs a day, but without time away to restore yourself, you are doing a disservice to all.

  • I know that caregiving is often a “sacred passage”.

We never know what life will bring…and whatever the outcome, it will be a sacred & blessed journey because you traveled it together. My wish is that you stay strongly connected to your loved one, fully engaged in the experience & attuned to the source of your physical & spiritual strength.

  • And, lastly, I know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE

It may feel that way many times, but just as you have been providing compassionate care to your loved one, you can also receive compassionate care by reaching out to others & staying connected to your spiritual grounding.

You may tend to hide your emotions in order to continue to go on each day—I hid behind my “I’m fine” mask with family, friends & coworkers—but, I also know that giving yourself permission to feel your true emotions & being true to yourself during the journey is critically important, and ultimately these became the cornerstones for my own healing.

I know that finding my spiritual touchstone & helping my husband to remain connected to his offered the emotional grounding needed to maintain some sanity in the swirl of insanity around us.  And, I truly found that by accepting the love, concern and care offered by others, I became OKAY.

So, I would like to leave you with the thought that through love, support, & GIVING AND RECEIVING compassionate care, I’m OKAY, and YOU will be, too.    

Blessings to you,

Sharon Clark

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Surrounded by Love

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Finding our place and new “normal” may take a lot of introspection, energy and time.  One thing I found is that it also involved re-creating my surroundings.  Everyone handles loss differently—some find that by freezing their surroundings as they were when their loved one was with them is necessary to maintain some continuity.  Others find that it’s important to create a new environment, surrounded by everything that is new. 

Clearing my environment from lingering sadness and the energy of loss was important—not that it was easy, or even immediate, but for me necessary.  I found that most of our “things” were too laden with old energy, and when I allowed myself to release some of my physical belongings, I was also able to release some of my pent-up feelings.  Just as we are sometimes guilty of hoarding things, we can also be guilty of hoarding past emotions—ones that we’re not yet ready to bring out into the open, examine and process.  Finding ways to release both old things and old emotions can be therapeutic as we navigate our way through grief.

Professional organizers use a system of “keep”, “donate”, and “throw away” when they work with clients to create a more organized space.  Perhaps we can all take a lesson from their organizational skills and bring our stored emotions out and apply the same labels.

By sorting through some of our physical possessions and stored emotions, we can move toward creating a space where we feel surrounded by both the things we love and emotions we want to remember.  May you feel some peace in finding the things and emotions that make you feel supported and surrounded by love.

Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

 

 

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Autumn

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As I was enjoying the quiet morning of the Labor Day Holiday, I thought about the season ahead.  Autumn is one of my favorite times of year—crisper air, the sun’s angle as it hits the leaves—a season of transition that reminds us of summer’s heat along with previews of winter’s sting in a perfect, surprising, sometimes nostalgic way.

Fall has always been tinged with some sadness, and perhaps that’s simply because we know that change is occurring…as humans we normally don’t embrace change.  Although it’s the only real constant in life, we still tend to resist the inevitable that is change.  Along with sadness, there also seems to be yearning in the air.  Yearning for what was, rather than hope for what will be.

Yearning isn’t a commonly used term, but it is a common emotion I hear in the voices of others when they talk about their lives…it surrounds their words with such wistfulness…it goes far beyond hoping and wishing—even further than longing.  It’s the deepest heart murmuring.

I tend to believe that yearning is endemic to our human condition—yearning for what we no longer have. I’ve also found it to be a visceral emotion; one we’re physically acquainted with… “the absence of” prompts the yearning. Perhaps it is summer’s reminder of our “old normal” of what our lives once were.  And, perhaps through quiet reflection, we can successfully replicate in our lives what Autumn does each year, intersperse the “what was” with “what is to come”.

Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

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Finding Our Place

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When we lose a loved one, we may also feel that we lose a part of ourself, our identity, our place in life. Many times our world is literally turned upside down, and we feel lost.  What now? How do we find where we now “fit”?

It’s like being part of a jigsaw puzzle that has been overturned, leaving the pieces scattered.  The place where our piece fit in so snugly before is now missing…the picture has been broken apart…the old “normal” is gone.

Finding that missing slot where we now fit may involve trial & error on our part.  Our circle of friends may have changed; and almost always, our family dynamics have shifted.  As someone so aptly said, “the only thing constant in life is change.” 

So, this “new normal” that we must identify can be challenging.  Many times it feels alien—we had a life—one we were comfortable in—one in which we had made our “place”—acted out our roles–knew what to expect—and most importantly, how to feel.  But in this new normal, we may find that we don’t know anything—what to do, who we’re becoming nor how we feel.

Re-establishing our “place” is a process…one that may be different for each of us.  Reaching out to friends and family, seeking counseling, asking for spiritual guidance, sharing our story are some ways to find support.  But almost always it involves taking time to be quiet and looking within to find our answers to define our new normal, and our new life.

We have changed as we’ve traveled our grief journey; we have been transformed without our loved one in our life.  But we can also draw comfort from the love we’ve shared and know that what we’ve learned on our journey shapes us each day as we make choices for our new reality.  And, we can take comfort in knowing that a new puzzle waits for us to slip into our slot, and once again fit into a new puzzle picture…a new life…a new place.

Sharon Clark

7/30/10

www.griefinterlude.com

 

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The Power of Words…

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Earlier today I was thinking about words and how they have the power to transport us through our daily lives.  Sometimes when we are grieving, we put up a protective barrier to help shield us from feelings because they are too painful, and we block some of the comforting “words” that may come our way. 

While trying to avoid pain is understandable, I have found that words can be transformative; and if we allow them in, they can offer a framework for us to really “feel” our emotions.  And through these experiences, we can begin to heal.

Words can open a door to a comforting setting; provide a peaceful interlude from our grieving.  They can allow us to paint pictures in our mind and create a safe place to be with our grief; and within this safe place, we find a knowing that we will ultimately be OK.

Words also hold the power to change our physiological responses—and, in the process we can transform sorrow into fond memories where we can focus on our shared love, and not just on our loss.

Words hold the key that can unlock a new reality, and create a space where healing can enter and thrive.  May you receive and welcome comforting words today.

Sharon Clark

Experience the Grief Interlude Series Meditations

www.griefinterlude.com

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Health & Wellness for Those Grieving

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Each day it seems that new results are being released about our nation’s health & wellness.  The news, however, doesn’t seem to be positive; obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure occurring in all segments of our population at alarmingly high rates.  The latest study reports that chronic conditions, as those noted above, affect almost HALF of our population…sobering statistics indeed!

Which leads me to discuss health & wellness conditions for another population segment:  those who are grieving.  Sometimes when we are lost in our grief, the last thing on our minds is taking care of ourselves, or being attentive to our well-being.  The ongoing need for eating healthy meals and getting physical exercise may not always register in our blurred awareness or be a priority…our “normal” life has been altered, so why should we try to go on as usual?

We may not have an appetite; we may not feel like going to the gym or out for a walk; we may not be sleeping well.  All these physical changes impact our mental & emotional bodies as well.  Our relationships suffer…we’re not “ourselves” with family, friends & coworkers.  An unfortunate and unhealthy cycle of stress and distress infiltrates our body and life. 

So, how do we begin to recognize this, much less have the presence of mind and energy to address and remedy it?  Maybe it starts by simply taking time to be aware of what’s happening, or not happening, in our daily routine and consciously making an effort to take a break from grieving…just for a few moments to experience some stillness.  Perhaps in these moments of calm, we can find the clarity to understand and accept that we are still here…alive…in our life…and we need to take care of ourselves physically, mentally & emotionally..

If you aren’t the one grieving, reach out and be a supportive friend: take a walk together; deliver a healthy meal; extend your emotional support by offering a sympathetic ear.  Many times that’s all that’s needed to break the unhealthy cycle of grieving…an empathetic gesture to show that someone cares.

Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

 

 

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An Epidemic of Loss

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Is there an epidemic of “loss” in our society today—is it the “forgotten” illness afflicting millions?  How many suffering from grief & loss actually receive any tools for treatment or find support to help? 

Good questions…there seems to be so little discussed or written about loss in proportion to the suffering…few resources dedicated to it….why is that?  Is it because death or loss is uncomfortable not only for those who are experiencing it, but also uncomfortable to those who aren’t?  Is it because we just assume that someone who is feeling grief or loss will simply “get over it”…that it will just take care of itself….after all, “time heals all wounds” or so we’re left to be comforted with.  Well, grief is not like the common cold wherein we just tough it out a few days and it disappears; grief is chronic, and time does not magically erase the pain. 

Just as with any other human emotion, grief ripples out into our lives, into our society in concentric circles…the pain of loss, confusion of what to do, the anger with no outlet, the helplessness of our inability to have affected the outcome.  All these negative emotions related to grief spill over into the daily lives of those grieving and touch their family, their friends, their coworkers, and their community.   

Yet grief is probably one of the most misunderstood and least discussed topics in our society—we are a grief-illiterate nation.  Not only does grief leave its indelible mark on those who are feeling their loss, but it also touches everyone around them.  Which leads to the question:  WHY as a society aren’t we doing more to offer resources and support to those grieving?  As noted earlier, grief is “uncomfortable”, and we don’t want to think about it; but, we’re ALL going to experience it since we ALL lose loved ones….all of us will die, and all of us will grieve.  It’s the common denominator of living…and loving.

So, instead of ignoring the inevitability of it, let’s ENCOURAGE meaningful dialogue; let’s PROVIDE resources; let’s OFFER tools to help people cope with their grief.  And, yes, grieving is painful, but let’s not ignore it.  Let’s find ways to get through our grief together in order to become “loss survivors”! 

Sharon Clark

Promote Awareness…Advocacy…Aid.

www.griefinterlude.com

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YouTube video links

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Use these links to view YouTube videos from Grief Interlude:

Sympathy Gift Suggestion:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHaGTXjHHtg

Guided meditations that can be used as a sympathy gift or grief support for those who are grieving.  

Sympathy Gift Etiquette:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_2VhHfgvBM

Suggestions for how and when to send sympathy gifts that are meaningful to the family following the loss of a loved one.  

Guided Meditation & Grief Support:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qMzMhqIC4g

Educates about guided meditation & how its imagery can assist those who are grieving the loss of a loved one.  

Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

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Sympathy Gift Etiquette

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Flowers have long been the traditional way to send your condolences, but there are other ways to express your feelings at a time of loss that becomes a lasting expression of your caring concern.  Sympathy gifts can run the gambit from donations to a favorite charity in the name of the deceased to a care basket filled with comforting teas and books.  The Grief Interlude SeriesTM set of guided meditation CDs is another item that can be a “self-help” tool that offers the bereaved family comfort and a respite from grieving during the first year following the loss.

After the funeral is over….

Sometimes a sympathy gift delivered after the funeral is over is more meaningful to the family.  Many times during the funeral planning and service there are so many activities, the family is functioning in a numb, robotic state.  Anytime within the first year after a death it is appropriate to send a message of sympathy and support.  This can be especially welcome a couple of weeks following the service when the family may benefit from knowing that they aren’t forgotten and will welcome reminders and assurances that their grief journey is not traveled alone.

Another acknowledgement…

You may feel that even though you sent a sympathy card at the time of loss it might not be appropriate to send a sympathy gift a bit later.  Grief can be acknowledged more than once or in more than one specific way. By reaching out to the bereaved family at various times following their loss you are demonstrating your care and concern for them during their grief journey which doesn’t end at the funeral service.  Your ongoing care will be appreciated more than you may know.

 

What to say…

When writing a sympathy note or talking with the family, it may be difficult to know what to say or how to say it.   First, say from your heart what you feel.  Expressions of your compassionate concern, whether spoken or written, are gifts to the family—you may never know how meaningful they are and how uplifting they can be to the ones grieving.

 

There are widely used and accepted phrases (such as “my thoughts and prayers are with you”) to express your condolences.  But if you simply frame your comments from your feelings of caring concern and your intent is to honor the one deceased, your heartfelt message will be conveyed.  Also, if you have a fond memory about the deceased, share this with them; it expresses how much their loved one meant to you.  It’s important to the family to know that their loved one is not forgotten.

 

Or, if you didn’t know the deceased well, but want to express your condolences to the bereaved family, keep your message simple.  One quote that brought me great comfort is “Fond memories make warm companions”.

 Sharon Clark

www.griefinterlude.com

 

 

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