Grief & the Holidays
December 6, 2009
Grief doesn’t take a “holiday” during the Holidays; in fact, many times it becomes even more intense.
Recalling family holiday traditions, and reliving our past when our loved one was still with us, inevitably happens. Playing videos of Christmases past, whether literally or in our mind’s eye, is part of the “season”.
Bittersweet holiday carols surround us as we walk through shopping centers, and sometimes we feel as though we’ve been assaulted by a song with no warning. All that untapped emotion emerges as a few bars of music plays…unsolicited, unwanted, unexpected.
Overwhelming grief rises up, again. You say, “But I thought I had worked my way through this; I felt like I was doing so much better!”
Grief is not linear, and just because it’s been some time since your last Christmas with your loved one, grief doesn’t disappear. It will always be a part of you because you loved them.
The “miracle of the season” occurs when you are able to transform some of the pain and tears of loss into joy and tears of gratitude for having loved. Your loved one is gone, but the love you shared is still alive. That focus on gratitude becomes the alchemy that may bring you some peace during the Holidays.
Just as you found your “new normal” in living each day without them, create a new holiday tradition that honors and includes the memory of your loved one. Don’t feel that you need to avoid conversations about your loved one because you will spoil family gatherings; your family members may also have fond memories they would like to share but may have been afraid to discuss for fear that they would be too painful for you.
Your loved one will always be a part of you, so cherish & celebrate your shared love this Holiday Season.
Sharon Clark
The Grief Interlude SeriesTM set of guided meditation CDs offers comfort and a respite from grieving.
Sympathy Gift Etiquette
September 17, 2009
Flowers have long been the traditional way to send your condolences, but there are other ways to express your feelings at a time of loss that becomes a lasting expression of your caring concern. Sympathy gifts can run the gambit from donations to a favorite charity in the name of the deceased to a care basket filled with comforting teas and books. The Grief Interlude SeriesTM set of guided meditation CDs is another item that can be a “self-help” tool that offers the bereaved family comfort and a respite from grieving during the first year following the loss.
After the funeral is over….
Sometimes a sympathy gift delivered after the funeral is over is more meaningful to the family. Many times during the funeral planning and service there are so many activities, the family is functioning in a numb, robotic state. Anytime within the first year after a death it is appropriate to send a message of sympathy and support. This can be especially welcome a couple of weeks following the service when the family may benefit from knowing that they aren’t forgotten and will welcome reminders and assurances that their grief journey is not traveled alone.
Another acknowledgement…
You may feel that even though you sent a sympathy card at the time of loss it might not be appropriate to send a sympathy gift a bit later. Grief can be acknowledged more than once or in more than one specific way. By reaching out to the bereaved family at various times following their loss you are demonstrating your care and concern for them during their grief journey which doesn’t end at the funeral service. Your ongoing care will be appreciated more than you may know.
What to say…
When writing a sympathy note or talking with the family, it may be difficult to know what to say or how to say it. First, say from your heart what you feel. Expressions of your compassionate concern, whether spoken or written, are gifts to the family—you may never know how meaningful they are and how uplifting they can be to the ones grieving.
There are widely used and accepted phrases (such as “my thoughts and prayers are with you”) to express your condolences. But if you simply frame your comments from your feelings of caring concern and your intent is to honor the one deceased, your heartfelt message will be conveyed. Also, if you have a fond memory about the deceased, share this with them; it expresses how much their loved one meant to you. It’s important to the family to know that their loved one is not forgotten.
Or, if you didn’t know the deceased well, but want to express your condolences to the bereaved family, keep your message simple. One quote that brought me great comfort is “Fond memories make warm companions”.
Sharon Clark
Remembering Fathers
June 18, 2009
As Father’s Day approaches, we have an opportunity to honor all the fathers who have passed. They may have been our father, our husband, our son, and with their passing they left a hole in our life.
A father’s role is multi-faceted, and although we stereotypically think of him as the emotionally strong leader of the family, in many realities, he was also the one who offered a warm hug of encouragement at the time it was needed most, or made someone feel special by just smiling across the dinner table.
Let’s take time this Father’s Day to remember our father with fondness and offer a tribute to the special place he still lives in our heart.
Sharon Clark
In Lieu Of Flowers
April 27, 2009
“In lieu of”—what does that phrase mean to you? We typically see this phrase in funeral announcements that says “In lieu of flowers, donations are being accepted” for a particular religious or charity organization.
I wonder if you would consider “in lieu of” in an alternative way; one that acknowledges the grieving person and family in a lasting manner? Of course, the various funeral flower arrangement services, 1-800-Flowers, FTD.com, Teleflora, Funeralflowers.com, all provide lovely floral tributes. But what expresses your sentiments to the family after the flowers have faded?
The Grief Interlude Series contains compassionate expressions of caring concern inviting listeners to step into the stillness of a guided meditation. The meditations are designed to offer a brief respite and restorative interlude from grieving the loss of a love one. They may enhance the listener’s ability to reduce stress, provide inner calm and improve day-to-day coping skills.
This gift can act as your acknowledgement of sympathy and ongoing concern being expressed to the grieving ones left behind. By offering a self-help tool that can be used at their discretion in coping with the confusion, pain and stress associated with the loss of a loved one, you are providing a lasting reminder of your care and concern.
