Something I heard earlier this week prompted me to think about how often we tend not to be “present” in our lives….either living in the past or dreaming about the future. The same can be true when we grieve, for grief really involves looking back over what was & mourning that loss, but also yearning for the “unlived” portion of what would have been with our loved one had they not died.
The pain over losing what “might have been” is especially tender; as humans, we all have shared hopes and dreams: a retirement to enjoy together; a wedding not yet planned; a baby yet to be born. These future events, only imagined, are ingredients of the “grief stew” that blends what was with what wasn’t. This stew then simmers as we grieve, bubbling with images of lost hopes and dreams and loving memories.
Just as we can find ourselves not living in the present, we can also find ourselves not grieving in the present. For it hurts…to be right here, right now in this place of grief. Grieving is many things, but sometimes the most distinguishing feature is that it’s painful. And, as in other areas of our lives, we may try to dull the pain, get numb, and take the edge off. We avoid the present. But, until we stand “amidst the tears” and immerse ourselves with what is in this moment, we can’t move beyond.
Grieving is an active progression through grief—it is a journey of paths that wind around our feelings and emotions leading through both painful & joyous memories. Its path is uncharted and unique for each person. It’s shorter for some than others, but the “sameness” is the fact that we are all changed by having traveled it. For in making the journey we uncover more about ourselves, and more about living…right here, right now, in the present.
Sharon Clark
4/18/2010
